Situations Sulu and Chekov CANNOT let occur
by Zelda12343
Summary: Inspired by 'Things Sulu and Chekov are NOT allowed to do' by Datalady91. Basically, it's a list of oneshots inspired by parts of that list. Please R&R, and remember to give credit to co-author DataLady91!
1. Before we begin

This was originally a list of pranks that Sulu and Chekov did on the Enterprise, written by the genius Datalady91. While I am the one publishing it, she will be writing every other chapter.

**Standard Disclaimer: **_I own nothing in this story unless otherwise stated. Star Trek is Gene Roddenberry's creation, while these ingenious escapades that Sulu and Chekov get up to belong to Datalady91._

Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the madness!


	2. 1

**1: Tack a sign on Captain Kirk's door that says "Nobody gets in to see the Wizard, not nobody, not nohow!"**

**-Written by Zelda12343**

It was a peaceful day on the Enterprise. Well, as peaceful as it could get, anyway.

James T. Kirk was on duty, as he always was in the morning. He was one of the few people who were awake, actually. Most of the redshirts were sleeping, possibly enjoying their last moments before they were unfortunately put on duty. Kirk tried not to think of them.

Only Spock was on duty with him. The two were the only ones who could run on less than an hour of sleep a night. Everyone else needed much longer. Otherwise, they were on a large amount of coffee.

As Mr. Montgomery Scott, known to his friends and coworkers as 'Scotty', was now. He had had an extended shift the last night, and as a result, had only gotten ten minute doze-off sessions whenever the Captain wasn't looking. He'd gotten away with about three before the Captain had noticed and kept a close eye on him. This morning, he was drinking double espresso after double espresso, and had now consumed so much caffeine that most people at this point would probably be bouncing off walls. Scotty knew this for a fact, actually. Just last week, Chekov had drank ten double espressos as a dare from his partner in crime, Sulu. He was so jittery that day that he'd been unable do his duty. And he _had _literally been bouncing off the walls.

Dr. Lenard McCoy, meanwhile, was fast asleep, leaving Sick Bay in the care of Nurse Chapel, his most right-hand woman. Chapel was very smart, but not quite as skilled as the doctor. However, even if there were a medical emergency right then and there, McCoy would just roll over in bed and ignore them. Chekov's miniature concert last night, in which he'd sang every annoying song he could think of at the time, had given him a headache that would most certainly be there when he woke up. Not a pleasant thought.

It had given Lieutenant Nyota Uhura a headache as well, but that was just because she actually knew what Chekov had sung in Russian when he'd given 'The Smurf Song' new, Russian lyrics. Uhura hadn't known before then that Chekov was so fond of swear words. Then again, he hated 'The Smurf Song' more than anything except worms, Khan, Romulans, Klingons, Khan, messiness, disobeying orders, Khan, Ensign Tyler, blatant violation of the Prime Directive, womanizing, and Khan. That was what Uhura was having a dream about, actually. She had always been sensitive, and Chekov's endless cursing them through song had pierced her particularly. However, what she couldn't explain was why in her dream, there were four Khans.

When Captain Kirk thought that all of his friends (with the exception of Scotty and Chapel. Janice didn't count since the two of them were dating) were asleep, he wasn't totally right, however. In Hikaru Sulu's cabin, there was sounds of giggling.

As Kirk was passing, he heard some particularly spirited laugher, banging, firing of phasers, and markers writing before he cleared his throat. The noises suddenly ceased. Kirk shook his head and returned from the bathroom to the bridge. He was a little worried, however.

Whenever Sulu and Chekov were making loud noises in one of their cabins, everyone began betting what terrible thing they'd do that day.

* * *

As soon as everyone else was up and at breakfast, Kirk clandestinely passed Sulu's cabin on the way to his own. He still heard giggling coming from the inside, which worried him, but not as much. If something bad were to happen, it already would've happened. Usually.

He ran into his cabin, intent on taking a long, hot bath. He needed some relaxing, and maybe he'd be able to catch an extra wink of sleep. He just hoped no one found him. Once, someone had accidentally walked in on him during his bath. Needless to say, that redshirt had been assigned to the soonest landing party that he could've been. He was one of the few that Kirk didn't mind watching get murdered by irate natives.

Just as he was slipping his clothes off and climbing into the tub, the monster struck. He was unaware of it, and was even unaware of the rather loud whisper of "Come on, Chekov!" right outside his door. When he heard a rustling sound, he looked to see if his door was opened, but in his relief, it wasn't. That assured, Kirk relaxed for awhile.

After an indefinite amount of time, Kirk finally got out of the tub to hear commotion coming from outside of his cabin. He threw on some clothes and rushed outside to be met by a fairly sizeable crowd. They were all pointing at his door in confusion. Kirk closed it behind him to see that in fact, they were pointing at a large sign that had been drawn in familiar, neat handwriting.

"Nobody gets in to see the wizard, not nobody, not nohow!" the sign declared. A young cadet or two were giggling, but a particularly naïve one wasn't.

"I didn't know _you _were a wizard, sir," she said, her large eyes growing even larger.

"I'm not," he replied, feeling a combination of amusement and anger. Those two pranksters!

"Mr. Wizard! Can you give my sister a brain!" came another cadet's voice.

"I'm not a wizard!" Kirk replied.

"Can you give Mr. Spock a heart?" it was Nurse Chapel. "A heart that loves _me?"_

"I'm NOT a wizard, dang it!" Kirk was very angry.

"Can you give Mr. Chekov courage so that he won't scream like a girl on missions anymore?" came another voice. Talk of the devil, it was Sulu!

"I'M **NOT **A WIZARD, DANG IT!" Kirk shrieked at him and charged. Sulu, however, laughed and raced off.

"You may be pranksters who are good at embarrassing us," Kirk mumbled, smirking, "But I'm still the Captain."

Kirk walked to the official interrogation room, a little bit angry, and called to Uhura.

"Lieutenant Uhura-"  
"Not now, Captain. I have a headache," she replied.

"Are my officers in open subordination?" he cried angrily. "First Sulu and Chekov, now this!"

"Oh, it's about Sulu and Chekov, is it? Sorry, Captain. I'll get them to come." Kirk assumed that Sulu and Chekov were the cause of her headache, for she was more than willing to help now that they were the offenders.  
Five minutes later, the two youngest, silliest of Captain Kirk's bridge officers were dragged in by two burly security guards. Sulu was laughing as though the world would end, while Chekov was just grinning. Kirk shook his head at his two officers, expecting better from them than what he'd gotten. Sulu had been on the ship for a year now, and Kirk knew that he was normally good, relatively, at least. However, Chekov arrived then, just barely out of his teenage years, and the two had hit it off quite well. Since then, orderly Sulu and rather timid Chekov had become the pranksters of the Enterprise.

"Gentlemen," Kirk began seriously, but Chekov burst out laughing. Sulu followed him, and soon, Kirk was laughing, too.

"Gentlemen, please stop," he said after a minute. The two were giggling hard, though. Kirk just shook his head, abandoning all attempts to try to talk to them, and just sent them back to Chekov's cabin.

* * *

"Okay, we're basically on house arrest in my quarters," mumbled Chekov.

He was lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling, while Sulu was still laughing from where he was sitting.

"Sulu, we're in **huge **trouble," Chekov complained. He was marginally the more sensible one, and marginally the more well behaved one. Unfortunately for Sulu, that meant that whenever they were in trouble, it was usually Chekov's whining, berating the both of them, moaning about how they'd gotten busted, or the like that was the main punishment for Sulu.

"Okay, let's just not do that again. Problem solved," Sulu replied. "Now, what do we do next?"  
Chekov stopped moaning and looked at him, grinning evilly. The one way to cheer Chekov up when he'd been put in trouble was how to get revenge for it.

Even if the revenge was on someone totally unrelated to the whole thing.


	3. 2

**2: Sign Dr. McCoy up for anger management classes**

_**-Written by **__**Datalady91**_

* * *

"I hate having to do these blasted exams. For Pete's sake, I'm a doctor, not a puppeteer!"

Nobody liked to have someone up their butt, and Dr. Leonard McCoy, alias Bones, hated being the person in question – literally. Today was Colonoscopy Day at the McCoy Free-For-All Clinic, and neither he nor the crew was ecstatic at the prospect. The crew hated the idea of the doctor sticking something cold and shiny clean up their rear ends, and Bones hated not only the nasty exam, but the complaining and whining of the patients, year in and year out. Could he help it if he had to make like a ventriloquist and say to them, "Guess what, y'all? It's Howdy Doody Time!" And speak of the devil, here came his first dummy of the day – coincidentally, the one who did the most whining and complaining.

"I hate this day," Kirk grouched as he lumbered into Sickbay. "It's the worst day of the year."

"Funny, I could've sworn that was your birthday," Bones said dryly, prepping his instruments for the exam. "Another year older and a few more gray hairs for the pot."

Kirk glared at his lifelong best friend. "I still haven't forgiven you for pointing that out. I had to spend an evening with Lady Clairol, thanks to you and your selectively perceptive eyes. And I don't want any wisecracks on that, either."

Bones gave the captain a slightly wicked grin. Taking the mickey out of one of his closest friends, especially cocky Jim Kirk, was always a kick when his mood was taking a swan dive into the crapper. _Too bad Spock's not here_, thought Bones ruefully. _I could use a good zing at him right now_. "Aw, come on, Jim," he said lazily, letting even more of his Georgia drawl seep into his voice than usual, "There's nothing wrong with a little silver. Lot of times, it makes you look like you're in charge; gives you an air of authority. Look at me." Bones raised a hand to touch the faint silver peeking out from the silky brown at his temples. "I don't mind it a bit."

Kirk sighed. "Yeah, but you're almost fifty, Bones," he objected. "I'm not even forty yet. For me to start going gray at this age… it's just not right. Sure, you can pull it off, but…"

"Watch it, Jimbo," Bones warned, his eyes narrowing and flashing ice blue. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you if you know what's good for you."

"You're not feeding me with that hand. You're gonna play Edgar Bergen and stick it where the sun don't shine."

"Shame you're not really a puppet. You'd sound a lot smarter if I was talking for you." Bones slapped a hand on the examination table. "Come on, Charlie McCarthy," he quipped. "Let's get this over with."

Kirk looked like he'd swallowed a lemon. "Let's don't and say we did."

"I don't have time for this, Jim, and quite frankly, I'm really not in the mood," Bones said testily, glaring at Kirk. "So drop your drawers and get on the table – now."

"What exactly are you gonna use this time?" Kirk asked, deliberately hemming and hawing.

"A rolling pin to bean you in that thick skull of yours and duct tape to keep your lips from flapping for once!" Bones snapped. "Now drop trou, hoist your chicken butt onto this table, and stick it in the air before I kick it."

Kirk threw Bones a filthy look before obeying orders and hopping up onto the table. "How about you kiss it, Bones?"

From outside Sickbay, Sulu and Chekov heard the captain yelp like an injured dog – and immediately began plotting.

* * *

The next day, all the officers could talk about was the Counsel Faire held on the ship that afternoon. Two weeks prior, Starfleet Command had contacted Kirk with the announcement that Counselor Marie Christianson, head of Starfleet's psychology department, would be visiting the Enterprise to offer a special series of classes to the crew – a morale-booster, they said. Counselor Christianson arrived only the day before, and a selection of the offered classes was posted throughout the ship, along with sign-up sheets for each one: Self-Esteem, Anger Management, Phobia Mastery, and a host of others that the crew either put their John Hancocks down for or thumbed their noses at in scorn.

Bones McCoy was one who neither thumbed his nose nor signed up for a class – or so he thought.

It was 1700 hours in the evening, and the doctor was resting in his quarters with a glass of his dad's prized Tennessee whiskey. He took a swig of the amber liquid and sighed contentedly, savoring the warmth that spread throughout his body. Ahh, good ol' Jack Daniels.

All of a sudden, Bones' ears pricked up. _Did I just hear giggling?_ he thought, having heard a rather odd sound. Nah, he waved it aside. Probably just the booze giving me an early buzz.

Heeheehee! There it was again, and Bones knew for sure he'd heard it that time. "Who's in here?" he demanded, clutching his glass tightly in one hand. "And what's so funny?"

From out of nowhere came a voice. "Mirror, mirror made of glass…"

Bones slammed the glass down. He would've recognized that voice in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

_Sulu! I'm gonna kill him! But if he's here, that means…_

Sure enough, Chekov's Russian accent picked up where Sulu left off. "Why must I look like a horse's –"

"OUT!" Bones bellowed, as Sulu and Chekov popped out of their hidey-holes giggling like a pair of monkeys. "Out, out, out, out, OUT!"

The two troublemakers made a beeline for the door and hightailed it down the corridor with Bones chasing them like a hound after a fox. "You little chuckleheads, I oughta horsewhip you both! You're gonna need two extra colonoscopies, 'cause my boots are gonna be dangling out of both your butts!" he yelled, pelting after them until he saw them both disappear into the room that functioned as the ship's auditorium. He bolted through the doors and skidded to a halt when he realized –

"Doctor, you're just in time!" Marie Christianson smiled and waved at him from the podium up front; all Bones could do was stand there stupidly like a flipping fence post, too embarrassed to say anything. "I was just about to call your name. But now that you're here, why don't you come on up and tell us a little about yourself?"

"Call my name?" Bones asked, his eyes darting from Christianson to the audience, which looked like an AA meeting, for crying out loud. "What for? What is this?"

Christianson's smile faded slightly; it was obvious she was confused about something. "Effective Methods of Anger Management," she said, while – oh great – everyone in the room turned to stare at him. "You did sign up for it; I have your name on my list."

Raucous laughter erupted from behind him, and Bones whirled around to see Sulu and Chekov high-fiving each other; he wouldn't have been surprised if they yelled out "April Fool's!"_ Son of a bear! I've been punked! _

All of a sudden, he remembered those two idiots' "Mirror, Mirror" rhyme, and not only did he look like a horse's behind in front of all these people, he felt like one, too. "You two…" Bones said as calmly as he could, not wanting to make the jump from horse to donkey, "signed me up for anger management classes?"

"Well…" Sulu began, his caramel complexion cherry-stained from laughing so hard, "After all that grouching you did during the colonoscopies yesterday, we thought you needed a little help getting back into a good mood."

Bones stuck his face right up close to Sulu's puss. "I'm always in a good mood," he growled in a whisper. "Now I suggest you two jesters cartwheel yourselves back to Sulu's quarters, because if the captain finds out you've escaped from jail, so to speak, you'll be clowning it up in the dungeon, not the court."

Chekov blanched a little at the threat, but Sulu just shrugged his shoulders as they walked out of the room. And, smart-aleck that he was, he took Bones' words to heart and cartwheeled down the length of the corridor.

While Bones stared after them in annoyance, Marie Christianson walked up to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry about all this, Dr. McCoy," she apologized, her brown eyes sympathetic, yet twinkling at the same time. "To think those two were playing a prank on you!"

"What can I say, Counselor? They're our resident clowns – which makes a lot of sense; half the time, I think this ship's a three-ring circus with Jim Kirk as its ringmaster," Bones said, rolling his eyes.

Christianson laughed. "Oh, really? Well, as visiting counselor, I'd love to hear your take on this ship and its crew – yourself included. I've heard some pretty interesting stories about you from Dr. Mitch Joliffe at Starfleet Medical."

"If you got it from Mitch the Mouth, it's guaranteed to be 100 percent bull, Counselor." Bones smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners and now sparkling just as much as Christianson's. "What did he say about me?"

"That you're stubborn and peppery, with the sharpest wit and tongue in the trade," Christianson replied solemnly. But then her grin returned. "But also that you're funny, brilliant, and completely dedicated to saving your patients' lives. Any man with that combination of qualities is okay in my book."

"Glad to know I have your approval, Counselor."

"Marie." The counselor smiled up at him hopefully. "What would you say to dinner in my quarters tomorrow night? That way, we can exchange stories about our careers."

"You've got yourself a date, Marie. Oh, and by the way," Bones said before leaving, "Mitch the Mouth forgot to mention one thing about me."

"What might that be?"

"There's a lot of salt in the world, but sometimes you need a little pepper to spice things up." Bones grinned at Marie's laughter as he exited the room.

* * *

"So what now? That didn't go quite as well as we planned."  
From his position on the bed, Chekov glanced over at Sulu, who was lounging in a nearby chair and looking as though he hadn't heard a word his pal had just said. "Did you hear me? Earth to Hikaru Sulu. What is our next prank?"  
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking." Sulu scratched his chin thoughtfully. "You can't keep a good jester down, you know."

"You wear the bells for a change," Chekov said, rolling off the bed and trolling to the other side of the room. "I'll be in the bathroom if you need me." He shut himself in on that last note, but not ten seconds later, poked his head out of the door and stared pointedly at Sulu. "Durak. You forgot the toilet paper again! I told you two days ago that if we're going to be under  
house arrest in here, you needed to get some more toilet paper. What have you been using?"  
Sulu threw him an evil grin. "Your handkerchief." He laughed at Chekov's revolted expression. "I'm kidding; I got some more from Supplies yesterday. It's in my closet." While Chekov strode to the closet and took out a package of toilet paper, a light bulb went off over Sulu's head.

"That's it!" he cried, snapping his fingers. "That's our next prank!"  
"What is?" Chekov asked before shutting himself back inside the head. "And what do we need?"  
"Toilet paper," Sulu said, the plan already forming in his mind. "Lots and lots of toilet paper."


	4. 3

**3: Toilet paper the engineering room, lest we incur the wrath of Scotty**

**-by Zelda12343**

**Author's note:** _In this chapter, I introduce two sort of antagonistic characters, one being Ensign Tyler, another being Andrea Mikelvitch Chekov (I know Sulu said Chekov was an only child, but I put an explanation in there for that, too). Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

_

"I'm so bored!" mumbled Chekov.

"You and me both," Sulu replied. "I can't believe that Bones went at ratted us out to Captain Kirk even though we got him a girlfriend out of it!"

Indeed, Dr. Lenard McCoy had gotten them into so much trouble, they didn't really want much to do with him at the moment. Not only had he gotten their house arrest extended for three weeks by tattling, he'd also personally checked their closet to make sure that they had no prank items in there. Unfortunately for them, they had just finished getting all of their toilet paper ready. He'd angrily asked them both what the meaning of it was, and had called the Captain to do the same. It was Chekov's innocent façade that had saved the two pranksters that time.  
"What prank? I don't know about a prank involving toilet paper!" he'd insisted. Then again, Sulu still hadn't told him his plan for the toilet paper. One of the good things about them was that whenever one had a plan, he didn't tell the other the full details until literally the last minute.

Well, I don't think I'll even need to, Sulu thought ruefully. The Captain had confiscated every single roll of toilet paper, even the one currently being used, and had sent out an order that no toilet paper was to be given to either of them until their house arrest was over.

Sulu and Chekov had separately sworn that after this, they'd never look at tissues in the same way. Or paper towels. Blech.

"Well, what were you planning to do with that toilet paper anyway?" Chekov asked morosely. Sulu once again thought that Chekov's moaning and complaining was the worst punishment that anyone could endure.

Maybe I should lock a certain someone that I want to kill in a room with Chekov for a few weeks, he thought. That would be amusing.

"There was no need," Sulu replied. "We're not going to get a chance to do our prank."

"We need a third partner in crime," Chekov complained. "Someone that isn't associated with us. Someone who could get toilet paper."

"Well, you're the best partner in crime that one could have. I've never seen anyone else actually take the time to pick a lock instead of vaporizing it," Sulu replied.

"Ditto," Chekov replied. "I've never had such a great partner in crime. You've taught me not to be a total naïve prick and how to put my lock-picking skills to use. I haven't stolen so much since I was ten and didn't know better than to break into my sister's room and poke through her stuff-what's with that look?"

A smile was slowly spreading across Sulu's face.

"Thanks a billion, Pavel," Sulu grinned at him, using his friend's rarely-mentioned first name. Chekov preferred his "rather cool-sounding" (as he put it) last name. "You've given me an idea for how we're getting our toilet paper."

"I don't like where this is heading," Chekov mumbled nervously. His eyes sparkled with excitement, however, as his prankish personality began to wake up. Indeed, he knew what Sulu wanted him to do.

After all, he hadn't been caught using his lock-picking skills for other than impressing Sulu and girls since his sister had caught him reading her diary when they were children. Chekov was sure she'd given him both physical and emotional scars.

* * *

"And what if he catches me?" Chekov asked Sulu nervously.

"Pfft. It should be me that you should be worried about," Sulu replied. "I'm the lookout. If he catches me, I'll be the one who gets in trouble, while you can hide. "I'm not that fast!"

"Quit your arguing so that we can finish our mission faster!" Sulu shot back and shoved Chekov into the cabin. He then stuck his hands into his pockets and began to whistle in what he hoped was an inconspicuous way. Everyone who passed him, however, knew that he was on official pranking business with Chekov. As a result, they all became very nervous; they remembered the last two pranks the two had pulled and the resulting anger of the Captain and Dr. McCoy. At the same time, they were far too nervous to tell him that he ought to be in his quarters. They didn't exactly want to be the next target of his pranks. Only the Captain, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock, Mr. Scott, and Lieutenant Uhura weren't afraid of them.

Chekov, meanwhile, began to hum the Metal Gear Solid theme, thinking it rather appropriate for the current mission. Besides, the Captain was very fond of Metal Gear Solid, and since Chekov was going to break into the Captain's quarters, it made it all the more fitting.

He was picking the lock of the Captain's closet when he heard Sulu's loud voice outside.

"No, Captain! I'm on my way to the bathroom! You didn't give us any toilet paper!"

"For heaven's sake, Sulu, don't tell the entire world! And besides, you're supposed to stay in your quarters all the time!" came the Captain's voice in reply. Chekov gave a nearly inaudible yelp and pried the lock open just then. He then leapt into the closet and shut the door hurriedly.

"But Captain, Chekov's whining is getting on my nerves! Do you really think that I have to put up with it 24/7 and enjoy it? Cut me some slack!" Sulu's voice angrily replied.

So that was why Sulu had told him not to care about anything that he said.

Just then, he heard the Captain enter. Chekov could hear him humming as he moved around the cabin. Wait, was he ballroom dancing? What in the name of-

Then Chekov remembered that they'd all been a little stressed lately. Maybe this was the Captain's way of letting off some stress. Chekov's way involved pranks, but it was obvious that the Captain's was far less destructive.

Just then, the Captain finally finished dancing and walked into the bathroom. Chekov suspected that he would take a long bath. Now was his chance to escape with the toilet paper! He grabbed as much as he could carry, tossed it in the bag that Sulu had reminded him to take and ran out. Hopefully, Sulu would be there waiting for him.

Fortunately, Sulu was waiting for him.

So was Scotty. It appeared that he had Seen Sulu and was now having a friendly conversation. However, when Chekov exited the Captain's quarters carrying a rather suspicious-looking bag.

"Laddies, ye be pullin' yer pranks again, ain't ye?" Scotty asked suspiciously. Sulu looked down, trying not to seem too guilty, but Chekov looked at Scotty with his best "innocent eyes".

"Now, why would we do that? We're already in lot's of trouble!" Chekov cried. Sulu nodded and did his best to look innocent as well. Scotty just shook his head and dragged them down the hall back to their quarters. He wasn't falling for their performance.

And he was definitely asking the Captain about their toilet paper situation.

* * *

"Sulu! He almost caught us!" Chekov gasped as soon as they'd returned. "That was the closest call possible!"

Sulu just nodded and began to add extra rolls of toilet paper to the bag.

"Where'd you get those?" Chekov asked.

"Redshirts," Sulu replied. "I mean, I raided some of the dead ones' quarters last night. Turns out that redshirts have lots of toilet paper to spare."

"So, we're ready!" Chekov was grinning.

"Yep!" Sulu replied. "Our target? Scotty."  
"Why?"  
"Because he's telling the Captain anyway."

"That we were stealing from his quarters?"  
"Yes."  
"Couldn't we pick another target, Sulu? I mean, Scotty's bound to suspect something!"

Sulu grinned mischievously.

"Okay, you're saying that we go pick Dr. McCoy instead?"  
"Nyet!"

"Okay, okay, calm down! We wouldn't do that anyway! Now get the toilet paper and follow me!"

* * *

"GAH! WHO DID THIS?"

Scotty had been gone for two hours and had returned to the engineering room to find it covered in toilet paper.

All of the machines were wrapped in it, causing them to look almost mummified. The walls were coated in it in some places, reminding Scotty of when he was about to graduate and three cadets who were known as the original redshirts had given his dorm the same treatment.

"Ensign Tyler! Do ye have anythin' te do with this 'un?" Scotty asked the Ensign angrily. Ensign Tyler was Scotty's least favorite aboard the ship. He liked him even less than any of Sulu or Chekov's pranks. Tyler was relatively new to the crew, but in the time he'd been there, he'd served as an antagonistic force. As a matter of fact, more dangerous situations that Sulu and Chekov had been blamed for were blamed on Tyler. Scotty would never forgive him for finding a Phaser on overload in his quarters. Or having let out Sulu's Gamma IV Venus Fly Trap of Terror That Inconveniently Fired Lasers and was Poisonous (as it was called. No other name would suit the monstrous plant without ripping off Harry Potter or Legend of Zelda).

"Of course I'd never do such a thing!" whined Ensign Tyler. "But I caught Sulu and Chekov doing it. On camera!"

Scotty watched the video footage, seeing undeniable evidence that it had been Sulu and Chekov. He sighed.

"Bring me Sulu and Chekov. An' try not te choke Chekov this time, lad. Last time ye had te handle him, he was stuck in Sick Bay for a week," Scotty instructed. A minute later, Sulu and Chekov returned. Chekov was holding his neck and grimacing. Scotty reminded himself that he'd have to have a talk with Tyler later.

"Laddies, did ye do this?" he asked the two and pointed around the room. Sulu and Chekov, not giggling this time, exchanged one look and nodded quietly. The fact that Scotty didn't seem to be angry at them was worrying them.

"Ye be breakin' rules left and right, misters, and that's not a good habit to get into," Scotty continued. Sulu and Chekov looked confused.

"Well, as it seems gettin' angry with ye isn't workin', it seems that I'll have te try a different tactic. So the two of you are gonna clean up this mess."

"WHAT?" shrieked Sulu and Chekov in the same voice. Well, from Chekov it sounded more like "Vhut?" but that wasn't exactly relevant.

"You can't make us do this!" Chekov shouted.

"Would ye prefer that I turn ye over te the Captain? And Chekov, lad, I'm doin' this for yer own good. Did ye hear that yer sister's comin' to visit in a month? I know for a fact that ye wouldn' appreciate havin' to be stuck in yer quarters while she's here! And there's the fact that the Captain promised he'd let her know if you got mixed up in even one other prank."

Chekov gave a squeak of fright when his sister, Andrea, was mentioned. She was a terror! When his parents had died, she'd single-handedly destroyed his childhood-err, raised him as best she could. 'As best as she could' meant that Chekov lived in constant fear of her. Even the mentioning of the name 'Andrea' could send him into a screaming fit. Oh, she was nice, but did she have a temper!

"I'll help you, Scotty! Just don't tell the Captain! If he finds out, to quote an English phrase, I'm screwed!" Chekov almost cried with relief.

"What are you three gentlemen talking about-is that toilet paper?"

Oh, crud. It was the Captain. Or rather, a very angry Captain.

* * *

"Thank god Scotty covered for us," Sulu gave a sigh of relief. "If he were a bit younger and had less responsibilities, I bet he'd join our gang."

Indeed, Scotty had performed admirably for Sulu and Chekov. He'd smoothly explained to the Captain that there had been a water failure, and that they were using the toilet paper to mop it up. He'd also explained that Sulu and Chekov were helping him. As a result, Sulu and Chekov's house arrest sentence was shortened.

"Yep. Thank god for Scotty," Chekov added. "If Andrea came through her-Bah! I've been given a nightmare by her name!

"Why did tell me you were an only child?" Sulu asked worriedly.

"I didn't want you know I was related to a pathological, sadistic creep who loves torturing siblings!" Chekov looked exasperated. "And you forgot to get toilet paper again. We used it all on the prank."

"Hey, look on the bright side. 'The Wrath of Scotty' wasn't as bad as we thought it would be! He barely had any wrath at all!"

"If that was a pun on The Wrath of Khan, it wasn't funny."

"You need to get the Christmas spirit into you a bit," Sulu teased.  
"Mmm?"  
"Yep! And how better than to look for Santa's elves?"

"Huh? What? I am not following you, Sulu."

"I mean, let's look for Santa's elves among the crew!"

"Are there any?"  
"Oh, you bet there are. I already know of one…"


End file.
